Archive for December 2015

2015: A Year of Healing

December 31, 2015

With 2015 coming to a close, it’s a natural time for reflection.  You can’t always see what’s going on when you’re in the middle of things; you have to look back to see the bigger picture.   I can see now that God has used 2015 as a year of healing for me.  He used two of his favorite tools:  truth and love.

Going into 2015 I was still being swallowed up by lies.  There were the lies I told myself and the lies of others that I had accepted and internalized.  Just as a physician must sometimes cut open a festering wound in order to clean it out, God allowed some of my wounds to be cut open in order for them to be cleansed and replaced by truth.  Sometimes this hurt like hell, but finally having these hard truths revealed made me stronger and healthier.

And then there was a lot of love.  There were all of the hugs and kisses and snuggles and special times shared with my kids and the unconditional support of my parents and sister.  My closest friends laughed with me and cried with me and prayed with me and sometimes picked me up off the floor when I was a total mess.  My neighbors and our school/church community have had my back over and over again, agreeing to help whenever I requested it and offering help sometimes when I didn’t even realize I needed it.

Every act of kindness was a balm that soothed deep-seeded feelings of unworthiness.

God also sent me a healing love in a way I never expected.

Back in May I realized that I really wanted to reconnect with one of my dearest friends from college.  The last time we had seen each other had been a brief dinner four years previously, and then we had lost track of each other yet again.  It took me a few days to find him, but once I did, we started catching up on all we had missed in each other’s lives.  Then we started talking with a raw honesty about deeper things within us, and we saw how we had each grown and been shaped by the joys and sorrows of our separate lives.  And then we realized in August that we cared about each other as more than just friends and began a long-distance romantic relationship.

As my friend and as my boyfriend, he has helped me uncover another layer of lies that were weighing me down.  His unconventional points of view often (unintentionally) make me re-evaluate who I am and who I want to be and what I want in my life.  His sense of humor and general goofiness sometimes have me laughing to the point of tears.  His total acceptance of me, quirks and all, have restored my sense of self.  His kindness, generosity, tenderness, and love (philia and eros) brought me back to life.  And in the two weeks he visited me, a whole slew of happy memories were made to replace a lot of bad memories that kept haunting me.

I am not completely whole again yet.  I still have work to do, things to figure out.  But an amazing amount of progress has been made this year.  And I can see God’s hand in all that has happened:  the good and “the bad”.  Sometimes it was very direct and sometimes it was more subtle and unexpected.  He knew what I needed, and He made sure I got it.

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.  (Romans 8:25)

So, what was God’s purpose?  I think that’s what I’m about to find out in 2016.  I suspect that 2016 might just be a Year of Promise.  I don’t know what all lies beyond the bend in the road, but I sense there are some big things waiting just out of sight, good things.